A smooth running of the emotional center equals absence of inner considering, presence of the external considering with a peculiarity in the external considering: we can also put ourselves in the skin of other.
We already touched it a little with the “symbiosis” topic and more specifically, when we spoke of thinking of the consequences of our actions on others.
I want to specify what we mean by consequences: does that mean what results for the other person from what I do? For example, on one hand, I can do something that brings up pain for someone by bringing them into their original belief. On the other hand, I can do something that can put him in danger. It is all the same, or two different things?
You don’t always know how the other person is going to react. For example, you cannot anticipate accurately if what you might do sends a person back to their original belief. And of course, avoid doing something that might be dangerous for the other.
So, we agree, we speak of the functional consequences of our actions.
Yes.
You say that we cannot anticipate, but at the same time, there are times where you know that by saying certain things, you are going to press the buttons of the original belief, causing the other person explode.
We avoid doing that unless we are doing a particular work on oneself or on the original belief work. But in normal life, it is something to avoid.
Thus, before working on “stepping into the shoes of another,” it is necessary to go farther into the topic of: “considering the consequences of our actions on the others”. Can you give some examples?
There is the aspect of safety. Can what I’m doing create a danger?
Then, there is a badly placed screwdriver.
Yes, generally speaking, there is an attention to making things easier for each other. For example, when we tidy up common spaces such as the workshop, we set it up so that tools are all visible by taking into account the fact that another person’s logical placement for such tools could be different from my own. Thus, I try to set things up in a way where as much as possible is accessible to all.
Respect a schedule, otherwise that can perturb the functioning of the group.
Prevent circumstances that make it difficult or impossible follow through on our commitments.
Yes, and inform the one who is in charge when you have completed what you have been asked to do.
Delegate a task when we realize that we cannot do it.
I see it less.
In fact, if you don’t delegate because you cannot do something, you put the shit onto someone else. It is in this sense.
Ah yes, there, all right.
That goes with the reliability. When you took responsibility for something, you have to make it happen or delegate it.
Make sure as well that we understood the instructions, as to not create more problems by doing something incorrectly.
Does this also mean to consider the specificity of each person? For example, if someone needs a special dish for their diet?
If that was agreed upon beforehand, yes. But not without having already discussed it with the person. If you were the cook and told the person yes, you could accommodate their special diet. But not automatically, I would say.
Yes, that means that you don’t automatically try to cater to all the whims of others. Otherwise, you are going to become a doormat.
There is also a fact of repairing the errors. For example, if I forgot an appointment with somebody, I have to call him to excuse me, and maybe we can plan a new appointment.
I would say at that point, it is a little late to think of the consequences.
Yes, but to repair, it is important, no?
That is not a part of the subject.
We speak of anticipating the consequences of our actions whereas you speak of correcting the effects of what we already did. It is different.
Thus, when we pay attention to the consequences of our actions under all the evoked forms, we can pass into something which goes farther, and which is more difficult. It is to step into the moccasins of the other one. That means, at the emotional level, temporarily becoming the other. You become the other who undergoes the consequences of your acts, emotionally. That means that you add the other one in the anticipation of your action.
Now, play the game. Put yourselves in the skin of somebody else, for whom you were in service, or to whom you gave instructions.
This morning, I had in mind during the transmission with A., what was shared yesterday. She explained how she had a problem with her alarm. It rang to remind her something to do because she was multitasking. I don’t know if it I was seeing everything from her perspective, but I was attending to what she was doing very carefully. It was also very pleasant.
It is little like that. Normally, when you make a transmission, we don’t speak and the other one looks only how you move and act. Did you do that?
When we began I asked her what she preferred.
No, it is not a preference. The first step, normally, is that you make the transmission and she observes.
Yes we did that.
Then, there, her problem cannot arrive. Unless the alarm rings in the middle and unless she has to go somewhere.
No, I had made sure that she had no alarm.
Ah very well! That, is a part to go into the moccasins of the other.
I don’t know if I did things differently, but I felt a sweetness.
Yes, of course. That cannot be otherwise. There, it is from heart to heart, live. And she had to feel it also.
It is true that I was very relaxed. It was very crystal clear.
I am sure that here, many act like that very often. Focus now on the consciousness of that, to do it while knowing that you do it, when you are doing it. And feel the heart also. And we can generalize that; that is a part of the body consciousness and we can make it as a second nature, when we are with the other one.
Then another dynamic arises. As with the works yesterday, to cut the pine or to empty the septic tank, that spreads alone almost. We are there, and “go to it, give the pipe, take the saw”, tap tap tap … It is almost magic. That becomes natural but when we see it afterward, it is incredible to see how that took place. We accepted that so-and-so takes the initiative. It is very, very fluid.
For me, this morning, there was something like that. I was the kitchen helper and I know that at about 11:45 am, there is always tension and rushing around, especially with L. And I really paid attention…
You stepped yourself into L.’s skin! L. = panics (laughter).
Yes, it’s true. I really took care to listen to what she needed and to do first and foremost and I did what she asked me. And we were ready in time. In fact, I was really at her service.
In fact, normally the role of the kitchen help is doing the dishes. But as she was occupied, I took to doing the dishes once the food was in the oven. In brief, everything ran fine.
And it is a little bit like dealing with the septic tank. What was really good was that every time there was something to be done, there was a someone doing it. And maybe it is irrelevant, but to be able to partake in these discussions, it is necessary be free of preferences, nor to want to avoid things. And in that situation, there was nobody looking to avoid the suffering necessary to search, or to move some shit, or that kind of thing. Whatever needed to be done was accomplished by whomever was available to do it. This is the way I lived it, in any case.
It is true that the only limit which could occur, but which was not there this morning, it is a limit of capacity. If in a group, there is only one person who knows how to do something, the rest are obliged to fit their capacities around this skill. But this morning, there was no such constraints and it was even easier: if there is one who was available and one who was occupied, if there was something to do, it was the one who was available who did it.
I can tell you that to cut the branches of the pine, we all met around M., and we were all at his service and that passed in the same way because we were all dependent in a way, on the skills of M. with the chain saw.
That gets organized, according to the context and the skills.
Completely. And it is also the validation which we can do that the work bears fruit, the work on the emotional center, which is healthily activated in the group. That, it is very clear. And we can add that also in the transmission of the skills: that the one who observes, from the first time, puts himself in the skin of the other one while he observes.
It is true that, I tried when I worked with L. at the beginning, I wanted to give her a global vision and I quickly realized that with her, it was not the best approach because she needs to go into detail.
That means that at the beginning, you did not put yourself in her skin.
At the very beginning, no. And I listened to, and I soon changed to try to find activities where she could go in detail, and begin with those activities which were at the same time the most useful and also the most autonomous, that is, which are not dependent on other tasks.
(to L.) On the contrary, it belongs to you too to put yourself in his skin at this moment.
In the skin of a guy who is an expert in Excel?
Exactly, emotionally!
I can tell you, I understand exactly what you said. When it was explained to me I can understand in the moment everything he said, but later, when I try to reproduce what was taught, I can’t do anything. When he explained me how to transcribe the recordings, I understood everything, it was clear, but later, where I put my fingers? (Laughter)
Do you understand?
It is there that there is a question of skill.
Of course, you cannot acquire his experience.
It’s as if I ask you to translate into English, there now, what you have just said, you may see me doing it all the time, that will not be enough.
But I would say that that can only help.
Here is the only place where I found people who take time to put themselves at my level when helping me with a computer problem. For example, when I ask friends, when they explain it to me one way, and then, when I don’t get it right away, they just do it for me. And here is the only place where when I ask you for something, I am not put under stress. It is really comfortable to feel that you adapt yourselves completely to our incompetence. And moreover, that tempts me to acquire a skill. It is the first time that I feel learning the computer skills is not a compulsory duty. And that is thanks to you, and I have the impression that it is connected to the heart.
Absolutely.
And it was very funny also, both when you made the bread with her. It was like two children who discovered something new.
For me, there is a delight these days in the transmission in cooking. Because it is more than observing and reproducing what was observed. It is more refined. You see how the other one handles the material, for example the bread dough. And to put oneself in her skin. Because even the fingers which you see, they do not work similar. The one makes like this, with fingers at the top, other fact like that, with fingers below.
And I am really very happy. And with A. the progress done in cooking, is enormous! Because there, the problem was not with the food, but it was the panic about the fire and the gas. In the beginning she didn’t dare make the dough because that would later it would be necessary to put the gas oven on. Then, little by little… And it is about patience that I also speak. And it is similar for the computer, I know that I am going to succeed. It is a question of time. But when it is like that, while you are really engaged, you are filled with the what you are doing and with the importance of it, which is beyond you.
There, you really put yourself in the skin of A. You completely accepted her phobia while a lot of people would have rejected her by saying “you have only to do it”. And you cannot help her with this rhythm, and to make progress “little by little” if you are not in complete acceptance of the situation.
It was funny. She came to ask me how we light a fire in the oven. Then I explained to her how we arrange the paper, wood. But she told me: “but where does the flame come from?” Then, I told her: “with a match” and I showed her. It was really extraordinary!
Well, yes, I had never seen that.
Thus we began with the external considering, the symbiosis, the absence of inner considering. Then we added the fact of considering the consequences of our actions on the others. And today, we added to put ourselves in the skin of other one, in the moccasins of other.
And the whole, always in the body consciousness, of course.